Friday, September 26, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
The Art of communication with your teens - - by learning champ
For anyone raising children, learning the art ofcommunication with teenagers is an absolute necessity.Many of us take good communication for granted andlittle thought is given to the effective use ofcommunication and all the things that are involved e.g.the words that we say, our tone of voice and how to putour message across that build good relationship withthe other person.As in any good communication with people, the art liesnot just in how you express yourself verbally, but alsoyour body language and your listening skills.Unfortunately the latter is often left out when parentscommunicate with their teenagers.
1. Listening to your teen
I notice that many parents are not really listening whentheir teens try to talk.Parents have so many tasks that keep them busy, andit’s easy to become distracted and not give full attentionto what may be perceived as minor chatting. Often teenswill give verbal and, more importantly, nonverbal cluesabout problems while engaging in normal conservationwith their parents. If the parent is preoccupied and notreally listening, the clues go unheeded and the parentdoesn't pick up on the problem the teen is experiencing.If parents want to have an effective communication withtheir teens, it is important to practice real listening andlooking into the eyes their teens when they talk. Sittingdown to dinner together and away from the television orother distractions would be a good place to haveconversation every day.Short talks before bedtime is one great practice that I'drecommend to parents - especially if this practice isstarted while the child is young and becomes a traditionin the family. I personally practice this with my children,Ethel and Ethan who are currently 7- and 3-year-old.And I confident that when we practice this long enough,we will have a good parent-child bonding even whenthey grow up.
2. Don't judge
Many times teenagers do not want to talk about aproblem because they think the subject will drawdisapproval from parents. Learning to listen to childrenwithout judging and showing displeasure is an importantstep to getting children to listen to parents.Parents, of course, are sure to disapprove of some ofthe things that their teens do, and should certainlyexpress concern, but not until the teen has fullydiscussed an experience or a problem. If a teen thinks aparent will immediately begin to rant on and on aboutcertain issues, those issues will probably be avoided tostop unpleasant interaction with the parent.Listening to all of the teenager’s concerns, then calmlysuggesting alternatives or disapproval at that time willlet the teen know that the parent is ready to listen andhear him out, rather than always jumping to conclusions.Let the teen know that you will always value him as aperson while still imparting your family’s values to thesituation at hand.
3. Have respect for teens’ ideas
Many times a parent may oppose ideas that teens havebecause of inconvenience or because the idea is not onethat the parent would have. Cherishing, rather thanbelittling differences can lead to better communicationwith teenagers.Often parents are disappointed if their children do notshow the same interests the parents had in the pastand some parents even want to relive high schoolactivities through their teenagers. If a parent excelled insports in high school and her teen is interested in artinstead, the parent should learn to show support andlearn and talk about art instead of constantly lamentingthe fact that the teen does not like sports.Parents should accept the fact that their teens will havedifferent interests, needs, and ideas from them. Andthey should let their teens know that they will supportthem because this will open channels of communicationas parents and teens talk about issues.Showing genuine respect for teens’ ideas will allow themto feel competent to discuss just about anything withtheir parents; if parents constantly show disapproval forteens’ ideas, they will often stop communicating to avoidthe negative vibes.
4. Sometimes compromise is necessary
Parents who want to effectively communicate with theirteenagers need to realize that compromise willsometimes be necessary on both sides.If a teen is forced to always give in to a parent’sdemands, they will it pointless to communicate theirdesires to their parent and simply shut themselves off.Since people are different, differences of opinion arecertain to occur; parents should work on learning todiscuss these differences with their children withoutunnecessary criticism or belittling the ideas of the teen.Learning to talk through problems will lead to betterunderstanding on both sides, and if the teen feels hisside has been adequately aired and understood, he ismore likely to compromise on some of his points.Parents should be willing to bend on some issues toaccommodate the teen’s views; if a parent learns tocompromise on issues that are not really that serious,then a teen will be more likely to give up something tohonor a parent’s wishes later on.To build a good relationship with your teens or in factanyone, the best advice is to 'Seek First To UnderstandThen To Be Understood' - something that I personallylearn from Stephen Covey in his highly acclaimed book"The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People".
5. Show care and concern
All children need to know that parents actually care fortheir well-being. If a child gets the impression that aparent does not care, then connecting with the parentthrough meaningful conversation will probably not be abig issue.When a teen talks, parents should show that they careby listening, asking questions, and expressing care andconcern in words. Many children rarely hear their parentssay that they love them, are proud of them, and careabout them. Some parents may think all children justinstinctively know these things, and the messages don'thave to be expressed, but this is not true.Teenagers especially need to be constantly reassuredthat parents care about their welfare and always bethere to support them.
6. Pay attention to language
Often teens get put off by the language a parent uses indiscussions. While a parent should be firm in settingboundaries and rules of conduct, this should be done ina positive, rather than negative manner.Expressing pleasure in a teen’s willingness to abide byrules, showing praise, and using “we” words rather than“you” or “I” words, will help make communicating withteens easier. Instead of saying “You did this wrong,”substituting “We need to work on this” will let the teenknow the parent wants to be involved in solutions toproblems, rather than just bossing around the teen.If a parent often loses control of his temper, usesabusive language, or uses frequent negative language,he needs to work on these problems if he wants toeffectively communicate with his teenagers.
7. Appreciate
Learning to appreciate all the good things about teenscan help parents improve communication. If a teenagerthinks his parent has a good impression of him andvalues him as a person, he will be more likely toconverse with the parent about his life.All humans like to feel appreciated and know that theymatter to others, and teens are no exception, even ifthey sometimes seem embarrassed about showingaffection and concern for other family members.Sometimes parents think that letting a teen know howmuch she is loved and appreciated will spoil her, or lether have the upper hand. However I honest don't thinkso.Self-esteem is largely based on perceptions that we getfrom other people, and expressing appreciation for ateen’s uniqueness is essential for development of agood self image and effective communication with parents.
1. Listening to your teen
I notice that many parents are not really listening whentheir teens try to talk.Parents have so many tasks that keep them busy, andit’s easy to become distracted and not give full attentionto what may be perceived as minor chatting. Often teenswill give verbal and, more importantly, nonverbal cluesabout problems while engaging in normal conservationwith their parents. If the parent is preoccupied and notreally listening, the clues go unheeded and the parentdoesn't pick up on the problem the teen is experiencing.If parents want to have an effective communication withtheir teens, it is important to practice real listening andlooking into the eyes their teens when they talk. Sittingdown to dinner together and away from the television orother distractions would be a good place to haveconversation every day.Short talks before bedtime is one great practice that I'drecommend to parents - especially if this practice isstarted while the child is young and becomes a traditionin the family. I personally practice this with my children,Ethel and Ethan who are currently 7- and 3-year-old.And I confident that when we practice this long enough,we will have a good parent-child bonding even whenthey grow up.
2. Don't judge
Many times teenagers do not want to talk about aproblem because they think the subject will drawdisapproval from parents. Learning to listen to childrenwithout judging and showing displeasure is an importantstep to getting children to listen to parents.Parents, of course, are sure to disapprove of some ofthe things that their teens do, and should certainlyexpress concern, but not until the teen has fullydiscussed an experience or a problem. If a teen thinks aparent will immediately begin to rant on and on aboutcertain issues, those issues will probably be avoided tostop unpleasant interaction with the parent.Listening to all of the teenager’s concerns, then calmlysuggesting alternatives or disapproval at that time willlet the teen know that the parent is ready to listen andhear him out, rather than always jumping to conclusions.Let the teen know that you will always value him as aperson while still imparting your family’s values to thesituation at hand.
3. Have respect for teens’ ideas
Many times a parent may oppose ideas that teens havebecause of inconvenience or because the idea is not onethat the parent would have. Cherishing, rather thanbelittling differences can lead to better communicationwith teenagers.Often parents are disappointed if their children do notshow the same interests the parents had in the pastand some parents even want to relive high schoolactivities through their teenagers. If a parent excelled insports in high school and her teen is interested in artinstead, the parent should learn to show support andlearn and talk about art instead of constantly lamentingthe fact that the teen does not like sports.Parents should accept the fact that their teens will havedifferent interests, needs, and ideas from them. Andthey should let their teens know that they will supportthem because this will open channels of communicationas parents and teens talk about issues.Showing genuine respect for teens’ ideas will allow themto feel competent to discuss just about anything withtheir parents; if parents constantly show disapproval forteens’ ideas, they will often stop communicating to avoidthe negative vibes.
4. Sometimes compromise is necessary
Parents who want to effectively communicate with theirteenagers need to realize that compromise willsometimes be necessary on both sides.If a teen is forced to always give in to a parent’sdemands, they will it pointless to communicate theirdesires to their parent and simply shut themselves off.Since people are different, differences of opinion arecertain to occur; parents should work on learning todiscuss these differences with their children withoutunnecessary criticism or belittling the ideas of the teen.Learning to talk through problems will lead to betterunderstanding on both sides, and if the teen feels hisside has been adequately aired and understood, he ismore likely to compromise on some of his points.Parents should be willing to bend on some issues toaccommodate the teen’s views; if a parent learns tocompromise on issues that are not really that serious,then a teen will be more likely to give up something tohonor a parent’s wishes later on.To build a good relationship with your teens or in factanyone, the best advice is to 'Seek First To UnderstandThen To Be Understood' - something that I personallylearn from Stephen Covey in his highly acclaimed book"The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People".
5. Show care and concern
All children need to know that parents actually care fortheir well-being. If a child gets the impression that aparent does not care, then connecting with the parentthrough meaningful conversation will probably not be abig issue.When a teen talks, parents should show that they careby listening, asking questions, and expressing care andconcern in words. Many children rarely hear their parentssay that they love them, are proud of them, and careabout them. Some parents may think all children justinstinctively know these things, and the messages don'thave to be expressed, but this is not true.Teenagers especially need to be constantly reassuredthat parents care about their welfare and always bethere to support them.
6. Pay attention to language
Often teens get put off by the language a parent uses indiscussions. While a parent should be firm in settingboundaries and rules of conduct, this should be done ina positive, rather than negative manner.Expressing pleasure in a teen’s willingness to abide byrules, showing praise, and using “we” words rather than“you” or “I” words, will help make communicating withteens easier. Instead of saying “You did this wrong,”substituting “We need to work on this” will let the teenknow the parent wants to be involved in solutions toproblems, rather than just bossing around the teen.If a parent often loses control of his temper, usesabusive language, or uses frequent negative language,he needs to work on these problems if he wants toeffectively communicate with his teenagers.
7. Appreciate
Learning to appreciate all the good things about teenscan help parents improve communication. If a teenagerthinks his parent has a good impression of him andvalues him as a person, he will be more likely toconverse with the parent about his life.All humans like to feel appreciated and know that theymatter to others, and teens are no exception, even ifthey sometimes seem embarrassed about showingaffection and concern for other family members.Sometimes parents think that letting a teen know howmuch she is loved and appreciated will spoil her, or lether have the upper hand. However I honest don't thinkso.Self-esteem is largely based on perceptions that we getfrom other people, and expressing appreciation for ateen’s uniqueness is essential for development of agood self image and effective communication with parents.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
My nieces
Hui Chih and Rong Rong. Rong Rong was born in US and Hui Chih was 2yo+ by that time(June 2007). Sometime i will get uncertain to answer when they call me "da ku" as I was not get used to that "title".
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